I have decided (for now... because I only have 6 months of experience with just one baby) that parenting plans are bullshit.
Attachment parenting is bullshit, mainstream parenting is bullshit... its all bullshit.
I have a perfectly healthy, happy and wonderfully delightful 6-month old. I don't believe there is much I could have done differently to have made him any happier.
I know different things work for different parents and babies... and this is my main point.
EVERY single minute philiosophy of these certain 'brands' of parenting can't possibly work for every family, right?
I co-sleep (yes, gasp, my child sleeps in my bed with me every night) and I formula feed (Oh, the HORROR). The reasons don't matter. What matters is that they work FOR ME.
I believe that whatever works for a mother and her baby is the right thing FOR THEM.
I'm so tired of all these preachy, know-it-all mothers out there who think their way is the only way. It's not. Stop judging.
If you want to complain about my parenting style more than you already do, complain about the fact that my child hardly ever cries (unless he's hungry), and that he sleeps all through the night EVERY single night. I'm not saying this is because what I do is right and what you do is wrong... only that it probably isn't an indication that I'm doing things wrong.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Monday, September 27, 2010
Not again...
Almost two a.m. and I find myself sitting at the computer and not in bed. I've refreshed my e-mail inbox a million times, at least. Still nothing. I'm going crazy.
I'm not sure why I'm having such trouble sleeping. Part of it must me the new meds. I'm sure a lot has to do with Justin not being here. I don't like sleeping alone.
I can't stop thinking about Harper growing up. It may not sound like much... but the three months since I first held him in my arms feel like they were both only seconds and yet thousands of light years away.
Life is so funny. I didn't think I wanted to be a mother at all. In fact, me and Justin were both having problems with that. I didn't want them, he did. For him, it was a deal breaker. I'm not saying we were anywhere near splitting up, but it was an issue we both kept in the back of our minds.
I didn't like being pregnant. I was sick all the time. I was scared. Deep down I felt guilty and ashamed even. The Navy casts quite an ugly light on pregnant servicemembers internally while trying to promote being so "family-friendly." People talk about you. Everyone believes it was intentional no matter what you say. When you become pregnant you become "that girl." The one that did it just to get out of deployment. Now I'm not saying I feel this way now... but at the time I got pregnant I would have taken a 6-8 month deployment over a lifetime of obligation and immense responsibility.
Now I hold him and look at him and I'm so desperate for time to stop. I plead with God that he slow the weeks. I write and photograph him constantly, determined to remember everything. Having a baby is a huge deal, it really is. I think that once you're a mother you really realize that. But at the same time, everyone does it. There are so many mothers and babies in the world that maybe it shouldn't be as special as it is. So life altering and profound. And yet... after all these thousands of years of women having babies it is still the most beautiful and amazing thing to ever occur. When I think, really think, of the miracle that was him becoming a person from nothing I get overwhelmed. He grew inside of my body for crying out loud! That's insane... and wonderful!
I have been very surprised at many things since becoming a mother.
Everyone tells you that you'll just know what to do. What kind of statement is that? How can you just 'know' how to take care of something so delicate and important? How can you just 'know' how to mold this tiny, precious infant into a responsible, kind and honest person? I still struggle with the important lessons I know are coming. I wonder what kind of disaster potty training will be, how will I feel on his first day of school, what will I do when he brings home his first girlfriend and how will I ever, ever survive once he has left me to make his own life? I'm not trying to sound desperate, I just can't grasp how fast everything is happening.
I'm surprised at how quickly the day Justin would leave came. Those first couple of weeks with Harper in our lives I felt like it was forever away and now I feel so awful at all the time Justin must miss out on. I truly can't imagine how he must feel, how much he must miss his first child, his son. When I do try to put myself in his shoes and imagine what he's going through I can't help but cry. I hate that he isn't here. I hate that we only had two months together as a family before he had to leave us, and with no say in the matter at all. I've been going through months and weeks of trying to decide if I should stay in the Navy for security's sake or throw in the towel so that we don't have to do this again for a very, very long time. It's honestly the toughest decision I've ever had to make.
But the thing that surprises me most about this whole experience is that I love being a mother. And that I'm a damn good one. I know, like I've said here before, it has only been three months. But in those three months I have put everything I have into this. I have skipped meals and sleep and things I was really looking forward to to take care of him. I do realize it's not like I had a choice, :-) , but I didn't do it half-ass. I guess that is my point. I am all in. Forever committed to loving him, protecting him and basing every choice on the decision that best benefits him. I feel like there are some small ways I have failed him already and I know I will feel that way a million more times in my lifetime. I often get frustrated at how tired I am and how it seems my extraordinarily "good" baby is only out of character when it's least convenient. But all I have to do is look at that face and those bright shining eyes looking at me and my heart melts all over again.
I never truly understood a thing about love until the day I became a mother.
I'm not sure why I'm having such trouble sleeping. Part of it must me the new meds. I'm sure a lot has to do with Justin not being here. I don't like sleeping alone.
I can't stop thinking about Harper growing up. It may not sound like much... but the three months since I first held him in my arms feel like they were both only seconds and yet thousands of light years away.
Life is so funny. I didn't think I wanted to be a mother at all. In fact, me and Justin were both having problems with that. I didn't want them, he did. For him, it was a deal breaker. I'm not saying we were anywhere near splitting up, but it was an issue we both kept in the back of our minds.
I didn't like being pregnant. I was sick all the time. I was scared. Deep down I felt guilty and ashamed even. The Navy casts quite an ugly light on pregnant servicemembers internally while trying to promote being so "family-friendly." People talk about you. Everyone believes it was intentional no matter what you say. When you become pregnant you become "that girl." The one that did it just to get out of deployment. Now I'm not saying I feel this way now... but at the time I got pregnant I would have taken a 6-8 month deployment over a lifetime of obligation and immense responsibility.
Now I hold him and look at him and I'm so desperate for time to stop. I plead with God that he slow the weeks. I write and photograph him constantly, determined to remember everything. Having a baby is a huge deal, it really is. I think that once you're a mother you really realize that. But at the same time, everyone does it. There are so many mothers and babies in the world that maybe it shouldn't be as special as it is. So life altering and profound. And yet... after all these thousands of years of women having babies it is still the most beautiful and amazing thing to ever occur. When I think, really think, of the miracle that was him becoming a person from nothing I get overwhelmed. He grew inside of my body for crying out loud! That's insane... and wonderful!
I have been very surprised at many things since becoming a mother.
Everyone tells you that you'll just know what to do. What kind of statement is that? How can you just 'know' how to take care of something so delicate and important? How can you just 'know' how to mold this tiny, precious infant into a responsible, kind and honest person? I still struggle with the important lessons I know are coming. I wonder what kind of disaster potty training will be, how will I feel on his first day of school, what will I do when he brings home his first girlfriend and how will I ever, ever survive once he has left me to make his own life? I'm not trying to sound desperate, I just can't grasp how fast everything is happening.
I'm surprised at how quickly the day Justin would leave came. Those first couple of weeks with Harper in our lives I felt like it was forever away and now I feel so awful at all the time Justin must miss out on. I truly can't imagine how he must feel, how much he must miss his first child, his son. When I do try to put myself in his shoes and imagine what he's going through I can't help but cry. I hate that he isn't here. I hate that we only had two months together as a family before he had to leave us, and with no say in the matter at all. I've been going through months and weeks of trying to decide if I should stay in the Navy for security's sake or throw in the towel so that we don't have to do this again for a very, very long time. It's honestly the toughest decision I've ever had to make.
But the thing that surprises me most about this whole experience is that I love being a mother. And that I'm a damn good one. I know, like I've said here before, it has only been three months. But in those three months I have put everything I have into this. I have skipped meals and sleep and things I was really looking forward to to take care of him. I do realize it's not like I had a choice, :-) , but I didn't do it half-ass. I guess that is my point. I am all in. Forever committed to loving him, protecting him and basing every choice on the decision that best benefits him. I feel like there are some small ways I have failed him already and I know I will feel that way a million more times in my lifetime. I often get frustrated at how tired I am and how it seems my extraordinarily "good" baby is only out of character when it's least convenient. But all I have to do is look at that face and those bright shining eyes looking at me and my heart melts all over again.
I never truly understood a thing about love until the day I became a mother.
Children grow up while you're not looking.
There are years ahead for cleaning and cooking.
So, quiet now cobwebs, dust go to sleep.
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.
-Unknown
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Isn't being a mother hard? Does it make sense that it's both easier and harder than I thought it would be? Those first few weeks are a blur now. I remember how crazy everything was. I remember that I hurt and that I was totally exhausted and that me and Justin fought more in that first month than we've fought our entire relationship. (From the exhaustion!) But I think now I'm at that point that I can look back on it all and laugh.
It's easier without Justin here than I thought it would be. I think I was worried about being the one getting up with him at night EVERYtime, and having to give him every bath for six months, changing every diaper. It would be nice to have someone I could just call and ask for help but I must admit; having my sweet boy is a fantastic distraction from how much I miss Justin.
There are certain times during the day when it gets totally overwhelming. Mostly after the baby is asleep and I'm getting ready for bed, and then the drive to work after I drop him off at daycare. That's when I feel the most lonely because I don't have much to concentrate on.
Anyway, I didn't intend to go on for so long. I just can't believe we're a quarter of the way to 1 already! I've never been more stressed, exhausted or frustrated in my life. But I've also never been more happy, proud or fulfilled! Being a mother really, truly is the best thing I've ever done!
Here's a quick pic of my big 3 month old before I hit the hay:
It's easier without Justin here than I thought it would be. I think I was worried about being the one getting up with him at night EVERYtime, and having to give him every bath for six months, changing every diaper. It would be nice to have someone I could just call and ask for help but I must admit; having my sweet boy is a fantastic distraction from how much I miss Justin.
There are certain times during the day when it gets totally overwhelming. Mostly after the baby is asleep and I'm getting ready for bed, and then the drive to work after I drop him off at daycare. That's when I feel the most lonely because I don't have much to concentrate on.
Anyway, I didn't intend to go on for so long. I just can't believe we're a quarter of the way to 1 already! I've never been more stressed, exhausted or frustrated in my life. But I've also never been more happy, proud or fulfilled! Being a mother really, truly is the best thing I've ever done!
Here's a quick pic of my big 3 month old before I hit the hay:
"MOOOOM! I DO love Dad, but do I HAVE to wear hearts????"
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Happy Birthday Ollie!
Olliver Aisek (middle name sounds like Issac)
September 22, 2010
6:25 a.m. 7 lbs. 9. oz. 20 inches long
Love this little guy already. Can't wait until Thanksgiving so I can see him and his big brother Zeke!! (And his parents, of course!)
Well it's Wednesday and that means I have two midterm exams tonight. Not looking forward to it at all, but it is what it is.
Hope everyone is having a great week. Grey's Anatomy comes on tomorrow and for THAT I am so excited I could pee my pants!
We have talked to Daddy since last week and it hurts more and more everyday. Hope he's okay wherever he is. :-(
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Hmmm...
What happened to my last two posts? Who knows but there aren't there!
Little Mr. Harper will be 3 MONTHS next week! I can't believe how quickly time is going by. At least it feels quick in comparison to having my sweet boy, but slow when I think of my sweet husband being gone.
He sent me these beautiful flowers yesterday.
Little Mr. Harper will be 3 MONTHS next week! I can't believe how quickly time is going by. At least it feels quick in comparison to having my sweet boy, but slow when I think of my sweet husband being gone.
He sent me these beautiful flowers yesterday.
Today Harper, Kayla and I went to Babies 'R' Us. I traded in the travel system we were given that once belonged to a friend's child for a new one. Thanks to the great trade in event, we saved 25% on this puppy:
The picture really doesn't do it justice. The colors (more of a turquoise than the gray it looks here) are rich and the padding is soooo plush and thick. It almost feels like memory foam! I love it! Harper fell asleep as soon as I put him in it, so I'm guessing he approves!
Well... I guess I'll spend the weekend trying to make this apartment less of a mess... and I have two quizzes! Wish me luck!
Friday, September 10, 2010
And then there were two...
So Justin is gone now. :-(
The day we thought would never catch up with us did, like always.
We all went to the airport together even though his flight was around midnight that night so he could hold Harper as long as possible. I am so thankful that he wasn't fussy at all. He was happy and smiling and cooing at his Daddy rather than crying. A good last few moments for them.
I, however, cried enough for all three of us. It's hard enough taking care of the baby, the housework, college classes and the dog when he is here. Not to mention working full time and dealing with all the crap that can come with being in the military. I'm a little overwhelmed and our routine has suffered a little bit, but not too much.
I've actually been making it to work on time, which is good. I definitely thought my whole world would fall apart and I wouldn't be able to accomplish anything, but I am!
I have two tests to take tomorrow and LOTS of housework but I'm trying not to stress and just tell myself I'll get to it eventually.
Justin has been able to call about twice a day since he left which is AMAZING. Unfortunately, it won't be like that for the entire deployment so it's nice to talk as much as we can while we can.
Harper is doing wonderfully! He holds his head up for very long periods of time and is still smiling and cooing constantly. He even 'talks' in his sleep. It's so adorable.
I still have those moments sometimes when I'm looking at him that I become so overwhelmed with love I cry. Happy tears.
I have a doctor's appointment next week that is geared towards helping me shed these last few pounds and get back in shape. The working out is about to start as well. That should help raise my mood and lower my stress level as well!
I hope to do a mini photo shoot with Harp this weekend and maybe we'll go to the Zoo! Pictures to come.
The day we thought would never catch up with us did, like always.
We all went to the airport together even though his flight was around midnight that night so he could hold Harper as long as possible. I am so thankful that he wasn't fussy at all. He was happy and smiling and cooing at his Daddy rather than crying. A good last few moments for them.
I, however, cried enough for all three of us. It's hard enough taking care of the baby, the housework, college classes and the dog when he is here. Not to mention working full time and dealing with all the crap that can come with being in the military. I'm a little overwhelmed and our routine has suffered a little bit, but not too much.
I've actually been making it to work on time, which is good. I definitely thought my whole world would fall apart and I wouldn't be able to accomplish anything, but I am!
I have two tests to take tomorrow and LOTS of housework but I'm trying not to stress and just tell myself I'll get to it eventually.
Justin has been able to call about twice a day since he left which is AMAZING. Unfortunately, it won't be like that for the entire deployment so it's nice to talk as much as we can while we can.
Harper is doing wonderfully! He holds his head up for very long periods of time and is still smiling and cooing constantly. He even 'talks' in his sleep. It's so adorable.
I still have those moments sometimes when I'm looking at him that I become so overwhelmed with love I cry. Happy tears.
I have a doctor's appointment next week that is geared towards helping me shed these last few pounds and get back in shape. The working out is about to start as well. That should help raise my mood and lower my stress level as well!
I hope to do a mini photo shoot with Harp this weekend and maybe we'll go to the Zoo! Pictures to come.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
A New Week
We had a really nice weekend! We had a little fiesta at the house last night to kind of celebrate getting married and to say goodbye since Justin is leaving soon. It was mostly people from Justin's command and one of his coworkers brought his wife and 3-month old daughter. Her and Harper were napping in their car seats side by side. So cute. :-) (I had a pic but Justin can't find his phone for me to upload it!
Everyone left by 9 (except Clark, of course) so we just hung out on the porch and enjoyed a couple of margaritas and some hookah. Today we've not done much except relax. I designed a first birthday invitation for a friend's daughter. She wanted it to be loud and pink with tiaras... This is the end result!
Everyone left by 9 (except Clark, of course) so we just hung out on the porch and enjoyed a couple of margaritas and some hookah. Today we've not done much except relax. I designed a first birthday invitation for a friend's daughter. She wanted it to be loud and pink with tiaras... This is the end result!
I changed the address and info, so to all the weirdos out there... no crashing sweet Addy's party! Now all we have to do is get though Thursday and we'll be on our way to Texas! Can't wait! ;-)
Have a great week... all my imaginary readers.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
My first post!
Hopefully I will have better luck with this blog and not stop blogging after a week!
Harper is now 1 month, 3 weeks and 5 days old. I LOVE being a Mommy... especially to him. He's the most beautiful baby of all time. I know we all think that. :-) There have been so many babies born lately to friends, and so many more are pregnant. I guess we're just at that age. It's so exciting and I love it!
Harper is now 1 month, 3 weeks and 5 days old. I LOVE being a Mommy... especially to him. He's the most beautiful baby of all time. I know we all think that. :-) There have been so many babies born lately to friends, and so many more are pregnant. I guess we're just at that age. It's so exciting and I love it!
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