Not again...

Almost two a.m. and I find myself sitting at the computer and not in bed.  I've refreshed my e-mail inbox a million times, at least.  Still nothing.  I'm going crazy.

I'm not sure why I'm having such trouble sleeping.  Part of it must me the new meds.  I'm sure a lot has to do with Justin not being here.  I don't like sleeping alone. 

I can't stop thinking about Harper growing up.  It may not sound like much... but the three months since I first held him in my arms feel like they were both only seconds and yet thousands of light years away. 

Life is so funny.  I didn't think I wanted to be a mother at all.  In fact, me and Justin were both having problems with that.  I didn't want them, he did.  For him, it was a deal breaker.  I'm not saying we were anywhere near splitting up, but it was an issue we both kept in the back of our minds.

I didn't like being pregnant.  I was sick all the time.  I was scared.  Deep down I felt guilty and ashamed even.  The Navy casts quite an ugly light on pregnant servicemembers internally while trying to promote being so "family-friendly."  People talk about you.  Everyone believes it was intentional no matter what you say.  When you become pregnant you become "that girl."  The one that did it just to get out of deployment.  Now I'm not saying I feel this way now... but at the time I got pregnant I would have taken a 6-8 month deployment over a lifetime of obligation and immense responsibility. 

Now I hold him and look at him and I'm so desperate for time to stop.  I plead with God that he slow the weeks. I write and photograph him constantly, determined to remember everything.  Having a baby is a huge deal, it really is.  I think that once you're a mother you really realize that.  But at the same time, everyone does it.  There are so many mothers and babies in the world that maybe it shouldn't be as special as it is.  So life altering and profound.  And yet... after all these thousands of years of women having babies it is still the most beautiful and amazing thing to ever occur.  When I think, really think, of the miracle that was him becoming a person from nothing I get overwhelmed.  He grew inside of my body for crying out loud!  That's insane... and wonderful!

I have been very surprised at many things since becoming a mother.

Everyone tells you that you'll just know what to do.  What kind of statement is that?  How can you just 'know' how to take care of something so delicate and important?  How can you just 'know' how to mold this tiny, precious infant into a responsible, kind and honest person?  I still struggle with the important lessons I know are coming.  I wonder what kind of disaster potty training will be, how will I feel on his first day of school, what will I do when he brings home his first girlfriend and how will I ever, ever survive once he has left me to make his own life?  I'm not trying to sound desperate, I just can't grasp how fast everything is happening.

I'm surprised at how quickly the day Justin would leave came.  Those first couple of weeks with Harper in our lives I felt like it was forever away and now I feel so awful at all the time Justin must miss out on.  I truly can't imagine how he must feel, how much he must miss his first child, his son.  When I do try to put myself in his shoes and imagine what he's going through I can't help but cry.  I hate that he isn't here.  I hate that we only had two months together as a family before he had to leave us, and with no say in the matter at all.  I've been going through months and weeks of trying to decide if I should stay in the Navy for security's sake or throw in the towel so that we don't have to do this again for a very, very long time.  It's honestly the toughest decision I've ever had to make.

But the thing that surprises me most about this whole experience is that I love being a mother.  And that I'm a damn good one.  I know, like I've said here before, it has only been three months.  But in those three months I have put everything I have into this.  I have skipped meals and sleep and things I was really looking forward to to take care of him.  I do realize it's not like I had a choice, :-) , but I didn't do it half-ass.  I guess that is my point.  I am all in.  Forever committed to loving him, protecting him and basing every choice on the decision that best benefits him.  I feel like there are some small ways I have failed him already and I know I will feel that way a million more times in my lifetime.  I often get frustrated at how tired I am and how it seems my extraordinarily "good" baby is only out of character when it's least convenient.  But all I have to do is look at that face and those bright shining eyes looking at me and my heart melts all over again. 

I never truly understood a thing about love until the day I became a mother.

Children grow up while you're not looking.

There are years ahead for cleaning and cooking.

So, quiet now cobwebs, dust go to sleep.

I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.

-Unknown